words and patterns

Burger King fries taste a lot like what I would expect wet hot cardboard to taste like

It's been a long day. I don't know how to properly document my thoughts and feelings about more intense events and circumstances without just basically reliving them which I'm not excited to do. Nonetheless, when I left for work a cat had been hit on my street. I had a really intense reaction. I thought I wouldn't even be able to go into work. It really affected me. It's bothering me now just to think about it. But at the same time I already talked to a couple of people about it. Not in depth. I more or less just asked a couple of people  to let me rant. but it really hurts to see those things happen and how disrespectful it is for no one to do anything about it.  I'll move on now. So it looks like I'm smoking a Jaime Garcia reserva Especial successor, I'm going to go ahead and look that up and get a description.   so yeah, I talked with my phone and it's told me that the wrapper is a Sumatra which I didn't expect. That's pretty c...

I'm thinking about thinking too much, It's constant on my mind That I think of you too much You live just behind my eyes Where I can always just almost see Can't believe I let you get away from me

I woke up in the middle of the day, which is my night. I'm just exhausted my body feels bleh. I'm smoking an mx2 from CAO and it's not very good. It's about to get chucked. Anyway, last night was rough at work. Me and Tam were on drop line three running 29 pounders, none of the machines worked correctly or consistently, thereby relegating us to a night of misery.  Everything fucking sucks. Everyone is running a fucking scam so they can pay off their fucking little slice of garbage in the corner of the woods. I'm so tired of playing along with this miserable game.

I was sad today. I had a really tough time from the moment I woke up until really just a little bit ago. Just having a lot of overthought loops. Having a lot of like hyper focusing on things I don't have control over or speculation on things that don't make me feel good. I don't want to write it off as general anxiety, but that's basically what it was. I wanted to cry. I still do. I might be stressed about money. I'm definitely stressed about my station in life. My age, my social status. There's a lot of points in my life where I've felt like it was the end already like I was already a failure. This is one of those. The added stress of my age now makes it that much worse. I'm so frustrated.  To try to put some light on something positive. I did a good job at work tonight. I personally feel that I made improvements and learned more about how to do my own job better. That's really about it. Everything else was stressed out thoughts. Jared gave me a cou...

The saying is "no man is an island", but I I don't think that's true. Each person is a nation with different laws where a different language is spoken. Communication itself is the act of bridging between those islands. Translating those languages. Where is understanding when it's not with you? 

Let's see if I can blog while driving. As I said I'm driving home from work. It is now Saturday I believe. Maybe it's the 13th and I'm smoking a cigar if you could believe it. Alec Bradley magic toast not a bad day at work long I was on drop line 3 with Clint which is a trial in and of itself. He's a good guy who's worked hard but his age shows in his work and in his ability to hold attention. But all in all it wasn't a bad night. I still had it pretty easy. Got to spend a lot of the shift relaxing and even when I was on the line I was falling asleep  Sophie and I have been communicating more frequently. Though I feel it's not necessarily the type of communication I'm seeking, but she might be testing the waters or probing for security reasons. It's still just nice to be talking to her at all, especially after this last visit and being able to spend time with her without any sort of holding back. Well maybe there was some holding back but without...

Thursday, November 20th 5:55 p.m.  Getting ready to leave for work, I'm already in the car smoking a cigar, warming up the engine. I don't want to go. I never do. 8:06 pm First break. Smoking an Alec Bradley Superstition out in the car, listening to Game of Thrones on audiobook. It's been a bit since I was past listening, so I have to use context clues to figure out where I am in the book/story. Pretty sure this is a Jon Connington chapter, which tbh I think is a "flavor" chapter, it really only serves to fill in backstory concerning Young Griff/Faegon, as well as inform the reader that JonCon is totally fucked from Greyscale.  11:00 pm On another break in the car smoking a cigar. This one is an HVC seleccion number one.  I need to do some meditations on communication. What my expectations are of others. How I can be more patient and acceptant of the way others communicate and how that might not work intuitively with the way I understand communication....

" reluctantly crouched at the starting line..."                                                                -Cake Let's talk about impulse control. Of which I have none. That's not true. I just don't exercise it as much as I should. I think too much and I don't write down enough. I need to be writing things down more.  I'm not doing anything wrong. I've done things in the past that contribute to my situation today, but I'm not contributing negatively right now. I'm doing the best I can. I work. I do control impulses. Im being patient with myself and with others. I'm doing the best I can. But the best I can can be better. That's the work. I'm feeling guilty for buying $50 worth of cigars. When really I should be feeling guilty about spending $150 on kratom? And I don't even know how long that'll last. I need to use the SR ...

So it's been about 2 days since I've made an entry so I guess I should probably make one. Though I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to talk about because nothing's happened. I think that's what I've never understood about. Making journals is that you end up just logging day-to-day nothingness. It almost puts a spotlight on how full of nothing each day is. It's like chiseling into stones. Thoughts that I have as I lay in bed at the end of each day and I don't think I like those thoughts, but maybe that's what this is all about. Is working through those thoughts and making them better I don't know. In any event, let's talk about what has happened. On Saturday night my brother and I drove down to Maryland which I enjoyed doing just for the drive itself but the goal was to go get weed cuz it's recreationally legal on the other side of the border and gas is cheaper on the other side of the border as well. We went to the dispensary tha...

Saturday, November 15th 7:40 a.m.  Sitting in the basement smoking a Mr Bundles newspaper blend cigar It's got this cool newspaper wrapper to it. They use Korean newspapers. I have no idea why but they do.  And I'm watching Star Trek: Enterprise, the series I sort of skipped over. I don't know what time period it came out, I would assume early 2000sish cuz that's when I wasn't watching as much television. I was a bit more social at the time I think. Anyway, it's cool to catch up to the show. It's got elements more of old television that I like. Not so much old Star Trek even though there are also elements that of Star Trek that it embodies more so than current Star Trek projects that I've seen.  This cigar is really good. Let's talk about the spoon.  There is a spoon, a very specific spoon. It's a long spoon rather it's got a long handle to it. The spoon part of it. The part that spoons if you will is normal sized or m...

I didn't make an entry yesterday so I have to be double certain to make one today so here it is. I finally reached my week off that I'm not scheduled to do anything. I'm not doing any overtime. I'm not driving across the f****** country. I don't have anything planned but I do have to wrangle my life together over this next week. Figure out my upcoming finances. Figure out what money I have and don't have. Start getting ready for Christmas. yeah. I don't feel like copying over the template, so I'll try to remember what things I'm supposed to address in a blog entry. I didn't have any goals for today besides getting rest, which I did. Actually I did watch some new TV new to me. At least I watched the first three episodes of a show called pluribus which stars the lady that played Kim wexler in better Call Saul and I also watched the first episode of The Americans someone had suggested pluribus to me. I don't remember who now. I think it might ha...

So I'm sitting in my car parked outside my house. I'm going to try to use a prompt today to write this entry 📝 Blog/Journal Entry Template Date and Day: Wednesday, November 12th, 7:30 a.m. Today's Focus/Feeling: so I guess today I focused on work. I don't know. That's a tough question. My overall feelings today or tonight. I was less frustrated at work in the past couple of nights. I don't know what factors played into that. I still felt as tired but just less irritated feeling less restless I also got to work kind of on my own time today so that probably factored in. The High Point (Win/Gratitude): What's one good thing that happened or something you're grateful for? I'm really just happy to have gotten through another night and getting closer to the week off so that I can get more rest and get some things done. Chores and sitting down with budgets and plans and everything and giving those their due attention The Low Point (Challenge/Lesson): What ...

I'm so exhausted 💤 my little autocorrect menu suggested the emoji 😴 so that's why I popped it in. Feels weird to use emojis in a journal though as I get to the last days of my work week I get so f****** tired that I can't formulate like full thoughts and certainly not active on them. It gets so hard to focus on having things to accomplish and accomplishing them because I'm just burnt out. I want to aspire better healthier plans and actions in my life but I get done with my work week and at that point just sleep Even now I'm fighting off wearing this. I came outside to my car on an early break at work. Luckily I don't have much to do tonight. Immediately though I will have to do a lot of physical labor throwing blocks And what have you. I really wonder how people maintain relationships, social or romantic or any level, any tier relationship, when You're this tired, when you're this drained and cut off.  I'm going to go back to reading for now. I...

I feel like somehow I'm not getting enough nicotine or or like I'm doing more kratom or 7ohWhatever the fuck you want to call it, and nothing is making my restlessness calm down or just be manageable. I just feel like there's something trying to break out of my skin like I'm just going to blow up. I've wanted to yell at people the last couple of days. Definitely last night when I was working with Clint. If you kept making a mistake after mistake and I let me be clear, I don't want to yell at people for who they are. I just want to yell and be heard on some level. I want it to be recognized that I'm frustrated I guess. I'm fucking crying for help I don't know.   This blind Faith from Alec and Bradley. I found buried in one of my tupper doors along with a pretty substantial amount of mids that I definitely got from Cbid, so it's a bunch of cigars with a good amount of age on them four, some 5 months. And that's convenient. And most ...

I feel like I'm rushing this entry, or rather I am rushing this entry. I'm sitting in the parking lot at work. Smoking a cigar as usual I feel really rushed today. There's a lingering irritation or maybe frustration. Sort of started last night. I guess after working with Clint. today I just feel like not anger but a restlessness. But nonetheless, I came to work, I'm downstairs tonight as a material handler.  I felt rushed coming into work. I didn't wake up later or anything. I just didn't really get going. I showered at 5:00 so timing was normal but every time I completed a task it felt like I was still behind. Then I had to go to the gas station to get nicotine pouches which made me feel even more like I was rushing to work even though I had left plenty early. So now I got to work. I smoked a smaller cigar on the way in to make sure that I could actually finish it before going inside, which I did. The smaller smoke was a ohana nui. Toasted marshmall...

What have I got on my mind? Smoking in the garage (HVC hotcake Golden Line)  I just got back recently from a road trip. I think I mentioned in my last post that I've been doing more for me lately and I've taken a couple of road trips and that's been really good for me. I went to New Orleans twice. I also went to Harrisburg which isn't far but it was still a nice trip. That time I visited BL luxuries which is a cigar shop with a really cool lounge and they have a really excellent selection.  The first time I went to New Orleans I drove down unannounced and just kind of felt it out. Called up a few people, had lunch and and short hangouts with people, generally just dipping my toes. When I returned i took on a bunch of overtime on my next week off of work, to kind of bounce back financially from whatever I spent on the trip. Then I did the next week of work and then immediately following that I went back to New Orleans. This time everything was planned out. I ...

I haven't written anything in a long time. I'm not entirely sure why. I wrote stuff in notebooks physically but I haven't written on the blog in a long time. I've been taking a lot of road trips recently. Been trying to enjoy myself more. I should probably keep photos and logs from those trips in here. Maybe I'll upload some pictures of notebook entries and and some scenery. But for now I'm sitting in the parking lot at work, smoking a cigar( Double Connecticut robusto from cigar Pages Nicaragua overruns )  I wrote this using voice to text on the the Google keyboard and this is the easiest blog entry I've made to date.