way of life

The past is never far. I have Tiffany on the brain today. I'm just thinking of things I should say to her that I won't. It would probably be simple to do so, but I just don't think I want to start a conversation. I'd anticipate questions that don't have definitive answers. 

Nicotina by Warped 

Warped Nicotina

Type: Nicaraguan Puro (Full-Bodied / Full Strength)

Factory: Aganorsa Leaf

Wrapper: Corojo '99

Binder/Filler: Criollo '98 and Corojo '99

Key Flavors: Black pepper, cedar, earth, and dark fruit.

Sizes: Coronado (5 1/2 x 48), Corona Gorda (6 x 46), and Toro (6 x 52).

I'm not good at gauging by eye but I would assume that I'm smoking a Corona Gorda. No no. Maybe it's maybe it's a Toro I don't know. I'm bad at this. It's interesting that they're Aganorsa rolled because there's zero issue with the infamous construction problems that aganorsa usually has. 

I think I was going to start talking about Molly but the microphone didn't pick it up and now I don't want to talk about it but I am letting you know journal that I had thought about her. I'm not a monster. 

I am finally off of work after 11 days straight or rather nights straight and that feels good knowing that a good paycheck is coming. It feels good to know that I'm getting inches closer to the goal. However, when I think of actually physically doing actions that move me closer to the goal such as like actually looking at houses on Zillow or going down at Liz's suggestion, she was talking about checking out how houses while I'm down there the next time I'm down there and it just that part seems scary even though she said that Steven I will be there and be super supportive. Still antsy because I just feel like there's so many variables and like no matter what I do I'm going to get it wrong somehow. Even there's moments where I wonder if I should be moving to a different city at all if I should be doubling down and putting Roots down here, which I don't think I want to, but I think that's more a fear of going back and like really starting everything over in the city I love. But at the same time somewhere where I tried and failed and there's people that know that I tried and that I f****** failed. But I have my friends there and maybe that is more important. I don't know yet. It seems like maybe I should have figured it out by now, but I don't think I was paying attention correctly. 

The weather here is miserable. I can't breathe without pain in my sinuses because of how cold the air is. Driving is a nightmare. There's snow on everything and I hate snow.